Non-Football Fans Guide to Talking About Superbowl 59 At a Party

Headed to a Superbowl party this evening, but you're more of a "Superbowl Stump" than a "Superbowl Salutatorian" when it comes to football knowledge? This handy guide will allow you to impress your friends and family with a mix of hardcore analysis and frazzy fun facts. Who knows, by the end of the party you might just be the "Dick Butkus" (a real NFL player) of your social circle!

"Kansas City Chiefs vs. Philadelphia Eagles is such a brilliant and original match-up! Bravo, Commissioner Goodell!"

"If the Chiefs win, they'll have completed the first '3-Peat' in Superbowl history. This means they will have won 3 consecutive times."

"If the Eagles win, they'll have broken the record for the most Superbowl victories in the 2024-25 NFL Season."

"Modern football is really an 'Xs and Os' game. Analytical."

"They're going to argue whether Patrick Mahomes or Tom Brady is the GOAT, but what's undeniable is that I'm the STOAT (Surely Traveling On Ash Tuesday)!"

"So the Eagles have a Quarterback named Jalen Hurts? Bit of an ironic name. Because if you're playing a rough rigmarole sport like football, the last thing you'd want to invoke with your name is 'Jalen'. Bad luck!"

"The key to winning this game is going to come down to the pass rush. That is, for the uninitiated, the ability for a defense to 'rush' the opposing Quarterback while he tries to 'pass', in the hopes of tackling him to the ground preemptively (a "sack", in football parlance), or at least disrupting him to the point where he throws off balance. Both Mahomes and Hurts are good enough that you have to interfere with them to win."

"Saquon Barkley on the Eagles had over 2000 yards this season? Yeah, whatever. Sure, that's a lot but those are running yards. Anyone can run with a football. Hell, I was known as '10-Toes Tommy' for how well I could run a football back in my day, and I was nothin' special. If running was so central to the sport, wouldn't the eggheads running the NCAA have named their sport 'Runball'?"

"Baltimore Ravens Quarterback Lamar Jackson lost the MVP vote to Buffalo Bills Quarterback Josh Allen?! No way! I guess when you leave MVP voting to those egghead numbskulls who couldn't tell the difference between a quiche and a frittata, that's the type of result you're gonna get every time."

"It's funny that the Eagles are in the Superbowl, as it surely must drive their arch-rivals, the Dallas Cowboys, completely mad. Oh those Cowboys, forever stewing in their own bitterness. They're still mad about the whole 'Dez Bryant caught the ball' incident. When did that happen again? Wasn't it back during the 2014-15 season, January 11th, at an away-game against the Green Bay Packers?

So, with 4:42 left in the game, the Cowboys are down by 5 and Quarterback Tony Romo throws a long pass to his star Wide Receiver Dez Bryant who catches it in the endzone for a touchdown!...Or does he?

Hey Football Nation, I'm Tommy Football here asking you when is a catch...not a catch? Seems easy enough right? We all grew up playing catch: either you secure the ball between your hands or you miss and it flops onto the ground. Maybe you barely, just barely let it slip through your hands and watch it plop to the ground. But what if I were to tell you a key piece was missing: the 'Football Move'?

Now you might be asking, 'What in the Sam Hell is a Football Move'? According to-[At this point, act like you notice something weird outside of a window to pivot the conversation.]"

"Wow, 10 years of Super Bowls since Russel Wilson's 'Legion of Boom' Seahawks went up against Tom Brady's 'Fab-52' Patriots. I can't believe they let Marshawn Lynch try and run the football into the endzone! It obviously wasn't going to work. A smart play would've been to throw a pass instead, the Patriots would've never seen it coming."

"Oh shoot, is that Joe Alwyn's ex-girlfriend?! What's she doing here?"

"Kendrick Lamar! He got his start in the entertainment industry on Degrassi playing J.T., and now he's a rap superstar. Life comes at you fast!"

[Eat a delicious victual and linger by the hors d'oeuvre table] "Hot damn! Somebody take me away from these!!!"

"Sam Darnold! Sammy Sammy Darnold."

"I've really been getting into Greek yogurt."

[During the halftime show] "Hey guys, don't leave yet! We still have another 12 minutes of non-stop knock-your-socks off football!"

[First time Refs make everyone mad] "Goddamnit refs! Do your job!"

[Second time Refs make everyone mad] "What is going on out here?!"

[Third time Refs make everyone mad] "Methinks, Oh! vain ill-judging Ref / I see thee cast a wishful look / Reputation lost and made / this faire game that one doth played / to be conjured upon the field / the flag I wish to see thee yield / for if one machinations shady / like the crier of game Tom Brady / if you possess still holy heart / then with mercy ye shall depart / with the temperance of actions / and cease to ply these false infractions."

[Fourth time Refs make everyone mad] "That was a good call actually."

 "Does anyone know when Paul is coming? Is he ok? Did something come up?"

"Why'd Breaking Bad get a spinoff? That's stupid."

"Hey, wasn't Fuwamoco supposed to perform the national anthem? What happened? Ooooh, they have beef with Kendrick Lamar. That's too bad, my mee-maw was excited to see them perform in America."

[Once everyone starts to get tired] "Hey everyone! We can't lose the Superbowl Spirit! That's why I prepared a Superbowl cheer to lift all of our spirits! Everyone join in:

X, V

X, V, I, yeah!

Hey there everyone, I got a new prediction

Next year's big ole' game, we will see Joe Mixon!

Travis will be gone, oh man what a pity

But maybe Charlie Day will come and hit the griddy!

Baby do you like Tyreek? (Yeah!)

Too bad, he had to leave the Chief (Aww)

But look at all of this darn cheese (Wow!)

At the Superbowl Party, Superbowl Party!

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Snap and clap and hike the b-ole

Kick it now and get a goal

Come on y'all it's Superb-ole!

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Snap and clap and hike the b-ole

Kick it now and get a goal

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Throw a pass like you're Nick Foles

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Let's go to the Super Bowl!

Here's a memory that'll send you reeling

Remember Kaepernick when he did the kneeling?

The news picked it up, headlines, to spin it

No politics in sports, just go and ask the Senate!

And baby, don't you like the Chiefs? (No!)

They'll be the first to three-peat (So?!)

It's like Superbowl 53 (Huh?!)

They had Maroon 5, that was Maroon 5!

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Snap and clap and hike the b-ole

Kick it now and get a goal

Come on y'all it's Superb-ole!

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Snap and clap and hike the b-ole

Kick it now and get a goal

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Throw a pass like you're Nick Foles

S-U-P-E-R-B-OLE

Let's go to the Super Bowl!"