The Non-Football Fans Guide to Talking About Superbowl 60 with your Friends and Family
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| [First time looking for SB art that had so much AI to have to trudge through. Yipeee] |
MEET THE TEAMS:
The New England Patriots
Boston, Massachusetts Ratings:
Scenery: C
Food: B+
Infrastructure: A+
Sports Culture: F-
Relevance to the American Revolution: B+
The Patriots dominated Football for over a decade, winning 6 Superbowls across that period while the Arizona Cardinals have not even been to the Superbowl in almost 100 years of existence. Everyone disliked them, and to make things worse, it made Boston sports fans very happy, which is a utilitarian negative.
All Empires fall, however. After the dishonorable exile of Tom "Vader" Brady and Bill "Palpatine" Belichick, the team fell out of relevance, a rump state of past glories...for a few years. Then, just as quickly as they fell, they somehow returned.
(Being a Buffalo Bills/Miami Dolphins/New York Jets fan is eternal suffering."
Led by an upstart hot-shot duo of Coach Mike "Darth Nihilus" Vrabel (Vrabel, formerly coach of the Tennessee Titans, was essentially responsible for getting his former boss Bill Belichick, exiled from the Patriots. How's that for Rule of 2?) and quarterback Drake "Drake Maye" Maye, seek to herald in the Second Patriots Dynasty.
The Seattle Seahawks
Seattle, Washington Ratings:
Scenery: A
Food: C+
Infrastructure: Good hopefully?
Sports Culture: B
Relevance to the American Revolution: A-
Speaking of former glories, the Seattle Seahawks were a counterbalance to Patriots domination in the mid-2010's. Their feared "Legion of Boom" defense struck fear into the hearts of opposing teams, and struck shoulders into the sternums of opposing teams. On the heels of their first superbowl victory, the team went into the next year hoping to repeat in Superbowl 49 only to be stopped by...the New England Patriots.
Within easy scoring distance to come out ahead late in the game, Seattle made the rationalist decision to give their football to the Patriots, which made them lose. Something like that. It was very upsetting.
With that, two teams of yesteryear seek to reclaim the throne with their new claimants. This not just a rematch, it's a grudge match.
Special note to the Seattle quarterback, Sam Darnold. Darnold, who originally played for the New York Jets in 2018, was considered a laughing stock. The Jets shunted him as a failed experiment for a few years, and he became a wandering journeyman going from team to team. He was meme'd to death, was caught saying that he was "seeing ghosts", and even had a hilarious truther subreddit styled after his mishaps, r/thedarnold (Aren't ya' tired of winning yet?!?)
Last season, Darnold found himself on the Minnesota Vikings, a hiring that was heavily mocked at the time. Darnold played great for Minnesota, to everyone's surprise. He came short of a Superbowl appearance however, and the Vikings management decided that wasn't enough to earn him a second contract. He was cut from the team, and so he arranged for a contract with the Seattle Seahawks. What happened next is self-apparent.
This is a grudge match for two storied team, but for Darnold specifically it's the ultimate redemption.
Things You Can Say to Football Fans At The Superbowl Party so you can Appear Football Smart:
"Wow, what a rematch to happen after a decade. Can the Seahawks overcome old ghosts, or will the Patriots cause the past to repeat?"
"Tom Brady isn't playing anymore, he's an announcer."
"The key for the Seattle Seahawks to win is to run the ball a lot, as this will ensure the Patriots don't expect them to pass."
"Sam Darnold was written off as a bust years ago. What a crazy turn around!"
"Drake Maye is such a good quarterback, it's only his second year!"
"Defense wins championships."
"Jaxson Smith-Njigba is a very good Wide Receiver (that's the role of football player that catches thrown footballs) for the Seattle Seahawks. So is Stefon Diggs on the New England Patriots, but he is kind of old."
Things You Can Say to Appear Very Football Smart
*When the refs call a penalty against your favored team* "What the hell is wrong with these refs? They're biased!"
*When the refs call a penalty against your favored team* "Good penalty! Can't let that team get away with cheating."
"The key for the New England Patriots to win is to pass the ball a lot, as this will ensure the Seahawks don't expect them to run."
"Super Bowl LX is the upcoming championship game of the National Football League (NFL) for the 2025 season. It will be played between the National Football Conference (NFC) champion Seattle Seahawks and the American Football Conference (AFC) champion New England Patriots. The game is scheduled to take place on February 8, 2026, at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, California, the second Super Bowl to be held in the stadium and the third to be in the San Francisco Bay Area."
"Tom Brady lookin' hella' divorced these days"
*When it's 3rd and 10* "3rd and 10?! Shiiiiiiiiiit"
"Jaxson Smith-Njigba? Don't you mean the Emerald City Route Artist?"
[Editor's Note: this is the worst proposed nickname of all time]
Things you can say to be a Football Genius
"Offense wins championships."
"Spider 2 Y Banana!"
"Who made this dip? You? Definitely not you. Lulz"
"I'm going to watch the football game in Paris next year. I hope the Panthers are there."
"It's Jake Bobo time"
"Tom Brady bought a Toy Chica Labubu at Mr. Beastland Saudi Arabia"
"Do you have the spine, to play Offensive Line[man]?
I'm running and I'm passing all at once
I am one of those quarterbacking fools
Heading for the goal, no doubt about it
Sometimes I give put on my old cleats
Sometimes my I run trick plays on feet
I'm looking my stats up
I think I'm a back-up
Am I a draft bust, or am I the GOAT?
I asked my coach to think, to make offensive schemes
She said my passes are always hitting the ground
My team tried to implore, they said I need to score
So quit my whining 'cause it's already 3rd Down
Sometimes I give put on my old cleats
Sometimes my I run trick plays on feet
I'm looking my stats up
I think I'm a back-up
Am I a draft bust, or am I the GOAT?
Running towards the goal,
So I better hold on [to the ball]
Sometimes I give put on my old cleats
Sometimes my I run trick plays on feet
I'm looking my stats up
I think I'm a back-up
Am I a draft bust, or am I the GOAT?
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