Non-Football Fans Guide to Superbowl 56
Same premise as last time! You're at a Superbowl party to appease your loved one and mooch free chicken wings. But for the next 4 (or 4 1/2, should overtime come) hours, you've gotta blend in and let em buy that you're "one of them". Any successful operation requires background intelligence, and that's why I wrote this for you, comrade.
Why didn't you write one of these last year?
You mean Superbowl XV? You actually went to a party to celebrate that hunk o junk garbage ass trash can ass dumpster diver dishwasher disposal waste reclamation center parody of a football game? That shit was ass! Why did anyone subject themselves to it? There would've been nothing to talk about anyways. That game was the equivalent of watching The Hobbit trilogy and then following it up with a second viewing of The Hobbit trilogy.
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| Pictured: Tom Brady systematically picking apart Kansas City's defense Who's playing this year? The elite L.A. Rams take on the fresh-faced Cincinnati Bengals! Have you ever heard of either of these teams? Neither have I! What's led up to this? Duuuuuuude. This year of football has been nuts! Maybe it's all that pent-up pandemic energy, but everyone lost their damn minds this year. A few key moments: * Legendary UF Coach Urban Meyer tried out a stint with the Jacksonville Jaguars. He proceeded to let his star player get obliterated, lost almost every game, and then got caught doing some public The Sims Woo-Hoo. His firing concluded one of the shortest and dumbest NFL coaching attempts. * The Detroit Lions almost went winless! Then they beat two of the best teams in the league at the end of the season. *Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers went on a Covid-denialism rant on a podcast, then proved he didn't have Covid by showing his toe. The NFL proceeded to cancel him by declaring him Most Valuable Player. * Antonio Brown, aka Mr. Big Chest, aka Mr. Hot Airballon Ride, aka Mr. Freeze Your Feet Off Cryogenically, aka Almost Murder Your Neighbors with Falling Debris, was unhappy playing against the Jets so...he just stood up and walked out of the game and went home. *Brown's teammate, some guy named Tom Brady, got so upset at losing to a team from LA that he quit football to become a stay-at-home dad/crypto trader.  R.I.P. Tom Brady, maybe now you can eat a strawberry for the first time in your life ya frickin weirdo Rams Vs. Bengals: Old Vs. New Superbowl storylines don't get much better than this! You've got the Rams, a team full of grizzled veterans, scarred and experienced. Then you've got the Bengals, new kids on the block, brimming with youthful optimism. At the beginning of this year, the Rams were considered decrepit and worn down, while the Bengals were inexperienced and untested. Now, they face off in the Superbowl. L.A. Rams - An Overview The Rams were in the Superbowl 3 years ago. They were a so-called "Superteam" that managed to score a grand three total points in an absolute snoozefest against a still-alive Tom Brady. They were set to implode immediately after, but instead they managed to add new key members to their arsenal. They recruited tired veteran players from other teams as mercenaries, giving them one last shot at glory before their gone for good.  Saucy! Coach: Sean McVay Style: Football Savant, Unblemished Youth Build: Human Commander Age: 36(!) (average NFL Coach age is 93)  Quarterback: Matthew Stafford Style: Master of the fundamentals, nothing flashy. Build: Half-Elf RangerInspiration: Gandalf. Both came back stronger after being slain by A. The Balrog, or 2. being the Quarterback of the perpetually awful Detroit Lions for many years. Accomplishments: Is basically The Joker at this point Other Key L.A. Players Aaron Donald Style: Kill you in your face Build: Firbolg Barbarian Accomplishments: Winning Defensive Player of the Year Award for the 37th time Odell Beckham Jr. Style: Impossible catch Build: Elf Battledancer Accomplishments: Greatest catch of the 2010's, did TikTok dances back in like 2016, friends with your favorite rappers Von Miller Style: Remove-football-from-your-possession-protocol Build: Warforged Assassin Accomplishments: Singlehandedly won Superbowl 50, owns a successful chicken farm Cincinnati Bengals - An Overview 2019 Team Record: 2 Wins, 14 Losses 2020 Team Record: 4 Wins, 12 Losses Predicted 2021 Record: 6 Wins, 11 Losses (17-game season) 2021 Reality: Memes become dreams!  Use the short pass Luke! Coach: Zac Taylor Style: Surprising Competence Build: Caucasian Guy Favorite Breakfast: A single Lay's potato chip  Quarterback: "Smoking" Joe Burrow Style: IDGAF Build: Tabaxi Sniper Inspiration: Joe Burrow Other Key Players Ja'Marr Chase Style: Football Enthusiast Build: Yuan-Ti Rogue Accomplishments: Best post-season ever for a rookie Wide Receiver (position which catches the football); you can say "It's a Car Chase!" whenever he grabs the football and starts running about. Evan McPherson Style: Wins and Victories Build: Drow Warlock Accomplishments: Kicks the football so good that the whole team wins; Solved the Hodges Conjecture Sam Hubbard Style: Combo Breaker Build: Human Attacker Accomplishments: Singlehandedly ended Kansas City's hopes and dreams; dedicated this Superbowl to Harambe. Yes, actually. Things to say to impress football fans at the party "The upstart Bengals versus the decorated Rams in the Superbowl! Can you believe it!?" "Matthew Stafford leaves Detroits and instantly makes it to the Superbowl. They were holding him back." "I knew Burrow would be something special since watching him at LSU, that's Louisiana State University." "That's the last we'll see of Tom Brady. End of an era." "Cowboys suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." "This has been such a great season! So many unforgettable moments. What was your favorite?" "The Rams only have one Superbowl victory by the margin of literally one single yard!" "If the Bengals win, it'll be their first Superbowl victory! Wowzers!" (When a penalty is called against your team) "Bullshit! Bullshit!" (When a penalty is called against the opposing team) "Serves those philistines right! Someone bring me some fuckin Doritos!" Things to say to really impress football fans at the party "Imagine if Stafford was still playing with Megatron and Barry, he'd be unstoppable!" "4&1? Simply employ the Quarterback Sneak maneuver. Easy victory." "Hey, is that Tony Romo commenting? Pfft, whatever." "Despite the league being increasingly pass-oriented, a solid run game is still required in order to open up opportunities for receivers. You aren't going to win if the opposing defense doesn't respect your ground game." "Sean McVay is one sexy piece of donkey meat, prrrr." After an injury-shortened rookie season, Burrow rebounded in his second year by leading the Bengals to their first playoff win since 1990, ending the longest active drought in the four major North American sports, en route to an appearance in Super Bowl LVI, the team's first Super Bowl since 1988. He holds the Bengals franchise records for passer rating, completion percentage, and single-game passing yards and is tied with Boomer Esiason for the most playoff wins." "Football? I'm a little too intellectual for that rubbish. I spend most Sunday afternoons returning to Marriage Story (2019) dir. Noah Baumbach starring Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson as they go through a tumultuous yet oddly hilarious divorce." "私はバラク・オバマです。このメッセージを承認します。" *Anytime a new rapper appears during the Halftime show* "Wait, I thought this guy died in '97! What the hell is going on?!" *Immediately after the Halftime show* "Oh big deal...y'all wanna hear some real rap...ok....ahem.... Yo messin with me is a high risk gamble/ Cuz I got those genes(jeans) that are hard to wrangle/ Keep it stuffy I get puffy like a can of Cambells/ Step up to my mantel and you'll end up strangled/ I'm the hottest rapper alive, from my eyes to ankles/ Your ankles are dank, that's why you always shamble/ You liked Encanto? Bitch, I much prefer Tangled/ I'm alight in the night, y'know all my stars spangle/ Don't get entangled lest you end up dismantled/ I'm a scary ass machine, call me Miss Mangle/ You trying to be all sharp? Hah! That's a cute angle/ You're just one out of a thousand, like a random sample/ I spit the hottest heat like a Roman candle/ But I injured my feet when I would roam the bramble/ Stepping in the dirt, y'know that loam was ample/ Should've got better kicks than these foamy sandals!/ I go wild in the sheets like a loathsome Vandal/ I get all the shorties, your girlfriend for example/ Took her back to my place to go and 'get entangled'/ Then I purchased oral sex, call that the Teapot Dome Scandal" "John Madden!" |
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