They're back baby! Everyone's favorite plucky midwesterners are back in the Bowl. Two years ago they received a thrashing from the eternal Lich King Tom Brady and his endless goonish hordes in Superbowl 55. The Chiefs tried their best, but limping into that game with an already heavily wounded team, they couldn't hold out against the wickedness of Tom "Patrick Bateman" Brady. But now the red-and-whites are back, no doubt bolstered by the permanent(???) end of Brady. They haven't won a Superbowl in 3 long, arduous years, and they're amped up to retake the throne!
Quarterback: Patrick "Kermit the Frog" Mahomes
Style: 13 Year Old Anime Protagonist Who Remembers What His Friends Have Taught Him
Build: Human Fighter (but built by a veteran powergamer)
Weakness: Favorite meal is ketchup slathered on well-done steak
Tight End (Pass Catcher): Travis "Scott" Kelce
Style: Spinning Star Splash Off The Top Rope and Pinning Opponent to Win Hell in a Cell Match
Build: Half-Orc Monk
Greatest Improbable Fear: Having to defeat his own brother in the Superbowl. But what are the odds of that?
Helpful Friends
Chris Jones (Defensive Tackle)
Style: Pincer Manuever
Build: Goliath Bruiser
Accomplishments: Became one of the league's best tacklers after figuring out you have to tackle the guys on the other team
Ju-Ju Smith Schuster (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])
Style: The Infatiguable Optimism of Youth
Build: Elven Sneakster
Accomplishments: #7th All Time Best Tiktok Dancing Professional Athlete
Kadarius Toney (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])
Style: Leaving My Team To Play With a Superbowl Team After All We Did For You, You Ungrateful Bastard You Think I Won't Forget But Lemme Tell You Something I Never Break a Promise and I Promise I Won't Forget 'Til We's Both Dead
2nd Style: Always Being Injured
Accomplishments: Alias "Yung Joka" (Rap Name); League's #1 Rated Heartbreaker
Just a typical day of pre-Superbowl training.Jawndice: The Philadelphia Eagles
Sigh. These guys. The favorite team of police trainees, puppy snatchers and the "Whatever happened to real rap? With real lyrics?" crowd. Frankly, who gives a shit. These meatheads won a Superbowl 5 years ago; that's a blink of an eye in the long, storied history of the NFL. Who cares about winning your second superbowl? Whoop-de-frickin-doo. The rich get richer. And that cakewalk of a 2017 Superbowl was only the result of great luck, as the Eagles were matched against a positively geriatric Tom Brady and his coterie of feeble bystander teammates, acting more like Brady's gentle caretakers in his twilight year than true football players. The Eagles essentially beat up a retiree and his extended family; great job guys.
You Eagles are real tough guys for beating up an innocent old man, huh?
BBEGs
Coach: Nick Sirianni
Style: Unbridled Xenophobic Vitrol
Build: Embittered Golf Player
Personality: Tried to fight a passerby at a tennis court because he was wearing a New York Giants Jersey
Quarterback: Jalen Hurts
Style: Heart-on-his-sleeve Emotion, Inspiring Leadership
Build: Jalen Hurts
Greatest Strength: Name highly susceptible to puns
Offensive Lineman (Quarterback Protector): Jason Kelce
Style: some sorta fucked up sultan
Build: Meatman
Greatest Improbable Fear: Having to defeat his own brother in the Superbowl. But what are the odds of that?
Other Miscellaneous Scoundrels
A.J. Brown (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])
Style: Catching Footballs
Build: Shifty Shifter
Accomplishments: Couldn't stick it out on another team, so betrayed them and joined the Eagles to cruise to an easy Superbowl
Hassan Riddick (Linebacker [Tackler])
Style: Tackling People Before They Can Catch Footballs
Build: Shifty Shifter
Accomplishments: Couldn't stick it out on another team, so betrayed them and joined the Eagles to cruise to an easy Superbowl
DeVonta Smith (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])
Style: Catching Footballs
Build: Snifty Snifter
Accomplishments: Couldn't stick it out on another team, so betra-, wait, he's always been on the Eagles?! Oh. Uh, well he's too weak I guess. There's gotta be something bad about him.
"City of Brotherly Love" - A Primer on Eagles Fans
"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
You may think I hate the Philadelphia Football Team by now; that couldn't be farther from the truth. I loathe the players, despise the coaching staff and every night I pray on the downfall of the entire organization in every facet. But that isn't real hate. No, that goes for the "men" and "women" and "non-binary homies" and "people of any gender" that constitute this "city" in "Pennsylvania". For if you really want to get at the heart of a Nation, do not look at its policies or institutions, but the people that make up that Nation; the slimy, nasty little people.
Here's some Real Life True Facts about Philadelphia Fans (beyond just Football!):
- They rioted and destroyed each other's stuff after winning a Superbowl.
- The police premptively apply grease to all the poles in Philly before a Superbowl, anticipating fans will climb the poles and jump off due to their Freudian deathdrive impulses.
- One time I seen a Philly fan run straight into a column in a subway station. There's video of it
- Threw up on an 11 year old girl at a baseball game
- Assaulted a Washington D.C. Superfan
- Cheer when opposing players get injured
- Pelted referees with snowballs
- Throw cheesecakes at opposing players
- Threw snowballs packed with D-batteries at Santa Claus.
- Call sandwiches hoagies for some reason?
You couldn't give a Superbowl to a nicer group of people.
Things to say to impress football fans at the party
"Superbowl 57! Didn't think I'd live to see the day."
"The Chiefs are back! I'm willing to bet they'll be football's next great dynastic team."
"Wait.....The Eagles? Are you kidding me? Those stiff-board jabronis?"
"I knew Patrick Mahomes was going to be a great player, ever since I watched him play college ball at Texas Tech."
"That's the last we'll see of Tom Brady. End of an era."
"Cowboys suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
"This has been such a great season! So many unforgettable moments. What was your favorite?"
"The Chiefs could win their third Superbowl! That would tie them with teams such as the Washington Commanders, Las Vegas (formerly Los Angeles(formerly Oakland)) Raiders and Denver Broncos!"
"If the Eagles win this Superbowl, they'll have as many Superbowl victories as Germany has World War losses."
(When a penalty is called against the Chiefs) "Oh, this game is rigged. The NFL doesn't want the Chiefs to win!"
(When a penalty is called against the opposing team) "Serves those Philly-stines right! An undisciplined, unscrupulous mob! Why don't you all play something more suitable like Rugby, or prisoner's ball, or League of Legends?"
Things to say to really impress football fans at the party
"The Chiefs would dominate this game if they didn't trade All-Star Wide Receiver Tyreek Hill to the Miami Dolphins. But then again, that wasn't an arbitrary decision. The front office makes tough calls like that for a reason."
"4&1? Simply employ the Quarterback Sneak maneuver. Easy victory."
"Hey, is that Tony Romo commenting? Pfft, whatever."
"Despite the league being increasingly pass-oriented, a solid run game is still required in order to open up opportunities for receivers. You aren't going to win if the opposing defense doesn't respect your ground game."
"Did you hear Joe Thomas got into the Hall of Fame? Yeah, it's great! No one respects Offensive Lineman because they've got a thankless position. People only notice them when they mess up. But they're the reason the Quarterbacks don't end up with a concussion every play. Respect the Offensive Lineman, America's real heroes."
"My cousin worked for Nick Sirianni a few years ago. His favorite hobby is chucking old paint cans at pregnant antelopes."
"If the Chiefs pull this off, I'm letting Andy Reid slather me in Kansas City Barbeque and I'll be his Barbeque Queen for a week!"
"Where's this Superbowl being played at?....Oh, Phoenix, Arizona? I wonder if they choose Phoenix because in 1913, Phoenix adopted a new form of government, changing from a mayor-council system to council-manager, making it one of the first cities in the United States with this form of city government. After statehood, Phoenix's growth started to accelerate, and by the end of its first eight years under statehood, Phoenix' population had grown to 29,053. Two thousand were attending Phoenix Union High School. In 1920 Phoenix built its first skyscraper, the Heard Building. In 1928 Scenic Airways, Inc. saw profitability in flights in the Southwest. Scenic General Manager, J. Parker Van Zandt purchased land for Scenic in Phoenix, and named the new airport Sky Harbor, which was formally dedicated on Labor Day in 1929. Or maybe it's because Phoenix doesn't get too cold in February. Could be either."
"Football? I'm a little too intellectual for that rubbish. I spend most Sunday afternoons returning to Gomorrah (2008), dir. Matteo Garrone, a sprawling epic crime saga about the intersecting lives of impoverished people living in the slums of Naples. Much more realistic than that Godfather tripe. You should really watch it, it's such a moving depiction of realistic life under the dual-thumbs of a violent criminal syndicate and a corrupt government."
"जब आप गेंद में होते हैं तो वे इसे फुटबॉल क्यों कहते हैं?"
"Oh hey look, Rihanna! <Proceed to then sing her entire setlist perfectly, as in sync with the performer>"
"Hey guys, wanna see my Patrick Mahomes impersonation? Yeah, mhmm, check it out:
<With the tone and tenor of Kermit the Frog>
Why are there so many, games about touchdowns
With penalties on the off-side?/
Touchdowns are winnin'
But just fer' a minute
And tackles are mosta' our pride/
So we've been told, and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Someday we'll find it, the touchdown connection
The offense, the defense, and me
Who said that every pass
Would be caught and confirmed
When receivers leap for the bar?/
Someone thought up it
And some coach drew up it
Look what it's done for Lamar/
What's so amazing that needs officiating,
When field goals only count, for 3?
Someday we'll find it, the touchdown connection
The offense, the defense, and me
All of us know that's a flag
We know that it's probably flagrant
Have you heard the sports news
And have you read the replies?
The discourse is all up in flames/
But ain't there a sweet tune
That calls the young players?
The vibes are all part of the game/
I've won too many times to ignore it
they're calling me the new MVP!
Someday we'll find it, the touchdown connection
The offense, the defense, and me!
Da-da-da-dee-da-da dum
Da-da-da-da-dee-da-da-doo~"
Happy Superbowl everybody! <3
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