Non-Football Fans Guide to Superbowl 57

  

Well damn. This is set up to be one hell of a humdinger. 

I'm not gonna pretend to be unbiased, leave that to the scientists to grapple with in futility. This is sports, where we can live out the darkest latent impulses of tribalism permanently lurking in the recesses of the human soul, all through the vicarious spectacle of sweaty millionaires injuring each other over a piece of leather. 

Is there anything better than that?

Clearly yes, because if you followed football you'd be reading something else. Apparently, your fall/winter Sundays don't revolve around the "Gameous Gumptions of Gridiron Grabbies". I find that non-football fans devote these Sundays to one of the "3 G's": God, video Gaming, or G-Other Pursuits Entirely. Whatever the case, you're stuck watching this Orgy of Yardage at the behest of family, friends and food. 

I'm here to provide a lil context to the event. Hopefully this makes it a bit more barrable to watch; maybe you can engage in the football discourse and who knows, maybe you'll impress that cutie in a "Don Marino" jersey so much that after the game you'll snag a kiss under the football-shaped mistletoe hanging in the gazebo.

Morality: It's Real Easy

Morality can be a tough nut to crack these days, what with Modernism having wounded it and Postmodernism having then sprayed it with a mixture of menstrual blood and old snakeskins in order to "commentate on the vapidity of cultural globalism" or something silly like that. Many are nostalgic for the days of black-and-white moral tales, Good Guy Beats Bad Guy, Hero Stops the Killer, Bulgaria Defeats Armenia, etc. Even the common-denominator blockbuster has to complicate their messages with sympathetic villains and stabs at "real issues". What gives?

Pictured: Ant-Man and friends prepare to debate with Gleeblezorb The Conquestor over whether agricultural subsidies actually benefit the working class 

Well don't worry about that listless ennui here: this is a clear-cut clash of Good Versus Evil, The Fellowship against Sauron just with more barbeque sauce. The outcome of this superbowl will determine whether Light will triumph against the Darkness, or we'll have to listen to really obnoxious Philadelphia music. 

The Protagonists: The Kansas City Chiefs

They're back baby! Everyone's favorite plucky midwesterners are back in the Bowl. Two years ago they received a thrashing from the eternal Lich King Tom Brady and his endless goonish hordes in Superbowl 55. The Chiefs tried their best, but limping into that game with an already heavily wounded team, they couldn't hold out against the wickedness of Tom "Patrick Bateman" Brady. But now the red-and-whites are back, no doubt bolstered by the permanent(???) end of Brady. They haven't won a Superbowl in 3 long, arduous years, and they're amped up to retake the throne! 

"I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Missed 27-yard field goals in the playoffs. I've seen the New York Jets win games in the dark near Foxborough, Massachusetts. Now all those moments will be lost, like the Cleveland Browns when they fled their own city. Time to die." - Tom Brady permanently going offline, February 1st, 2023

Main Characters

Coach: Andy "Randy" "Dandy" Reid

Style: Grizzled Winner; Sunny-side Up

Build: Walrus Sage

Favorite Aspect of German History: Bratwurst 

Quarterback: Patrick "Kermit the Frog" Mahomes

Style: 13 Year Old Anime Protagonist Who Remembers What His Friends Have Taught Him 

Build: Human Fighter (but built by a veteran powergamer)

Weakness: Favorite meal is ketchup slathered on well-done steak

Tight End (Pass Catcher): Travis "Scott" Kelce

Style: Spinning Star Splash Off The Top Rope and Pinning Opponent to Win Hell in a Cell Match

Build: Half-Orc Monk

Greatest Improbable Fear: Having to defeat his own brother in the Superbowl. But what are the odds of that?

Helpful Friends

Chris Jones (Defensive Tackle)

Style: Pincer Manuever

Build: Goliath Bruiser

Accomplishments: Became one of the league's best tacklers after figuring out you have to tackle the guys on the other team

Ju-Ju Smith Schuster (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])

Style: The Infatiguable Optimism of Youth 

Build: Elven Sneakster

Accomplishments: #7th All Time Best Tiktok Dancing Professional Athlete

Kadarius Toney (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])

Style: Leaving My Team To Play With a Superbowl Team After All We Did For You, You Ungrateful Bastard You Think I Won't Forget But Lemme Tell You Something I Never Break a Promise and I Promise I Won't Forget 'Til We's Both Dead

2nd Style: Always Being Injured

Accomplishments: Alias "Yung Joka" (Rap Name); League's #1 Rated Heartbreaker

Just a typical day of pre-Superbowl training.

Jawndice: The Philadelphia Eagles

Sigh. These guys. The favorite team of police trainees, puppy snatchers and the "Whatever happened to real rap? With real lyrics?" crowd. Frankly, who gives a shit. These meatheads won a Superbowl 5 years ago; that's a blink of an eye in the long, storied history of the NFL. Who cares about winning your second superbowl? Whoop-de-frickin-doo. The rich get richer. And that cakewalk of a 2017 Superbowl was only the result of great luck, as the Eagles were matched against a positively geriatric Tom Brady and his coterie of feeble bystander teammates, acting more like Brady's gentle caretakers in his twilight year than true football players. The Eagles essentially beat up a retiree and his extended family; great job guys.

You Eagles are real tough guys for beating up an innocent old man, huh?

BBEGs

Coach: Nick Sirianni 

Style: Unbridled Xenophobic Vitrol 

Build: Embittered Golf Player

Personality: Tried to fight a passerby at a tennis court because he was wearing a New York Giants Jersey 

Quarterback: Jalen Hurts

Style: Heart-on-his-sleeve Emotion, Inspiring Leadership

Build: Jalen Hurts

Greatest Strength: Name highly susceptible to puns 

Offensive Lineman (Quarterback Protector): Jason Kelce

Style: some sorta fucked up sultan

Build: Meatman 

Greatest Improbable Fear: Having to defeat his own brother in the Superbowl. But what are the odds of that?

Other Miscellaneous Scoundrels 

A.J. Brown (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])

Style: Catching Footballs

Build: Shifty Shifter

Accomplishments: Couldn't stick it out on another team, so betrayed them and joined the Eagles to cruise to an easy Superbowl

Hassan Riddick (Linebacker [Tackler])

Style: Tackling People Before They Can Catch Footballs

Build: Shifty Shifter

Accomplishments: Couldn't stick it out on another team, so betrayed them and joined the Eagles to cruise to an easy Superbowl

DeVonta Smith (Wide Receiver [Pass Catcher])

Style: Catching Footballs

Build: Snifty Snifter 

Accomplishments: Couldn't stick it out on another team, so betra-, wait, he's always been on the Eagles?! Oh. Uh, well he's too weak I guess. There's gotta be something bad about him. 

"City of Brotherly Love" - A Primer on Eagles Fans

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

You may think I hate the Philadelphia Football Team by now; that couldn't be farther from the truth. I loathe the players, despise the coaching staff and every night I pray on the downfall of the entire organization in every facet. But that isn't real hate. No, that goes for the "men" and "women" and "non-binary homies" and "people of any gender" that constitute this "city" in "Pennsylvania". For if you really want to get at the heart of a Nation, do not look at its policies or institutions, but the people that make up that Nation; the slimy, nasty little people. 

Here's some Real Life True Facts about Philadelphia Fans (beyond just Football!):

- They rioted and destroyed each other's stuff after winning a Superbowl.

- The police premptively apply grease to all the poles in Philly before a Superbowl, anticipating fans will climb the poles and jump off due to their Freudian deathdrive impulses.

- One time I seen a Philly fan run straight into a column in a subway station. There's video of it

- Threw up on an 11 year old girl at a baseball game 

- Assaulted a Washington D.C. Superfan

- Cheer when opposing players get injured

- Pelted referees with snowballs

- Throw cheesecakes at opposing players

- Threw snowballs packed with D-batteries at Santa Claus.

- Call sandwiches hoagies for some reason?

You couldn't give a Superbowl to a nicer group of people.

Things to say to impress football fans at the party

"Superbowl 57! Didn't think I'd live to see the day."

"The Chiefs are back! I'm willing to bet they'll be football's next great dynastic team."

"Wait.....The Eagles? Are you kidding me? Those stiff-board jabronis?"

"I knew Patrick Mahomes was going to be a great player, ever since I watched him play college ball at Texas Tech."

"That's the last we'll see of Tom Brady. End of an era."

"Cowboys suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."

"This has been such a great season! So many unforgettable moments. What was your favorite?"

"The Chiefs could win their third Superbowl! That would tie them with teams such as the Washington Commanders, Las Vegas (formerly Los Angeles(formerly Oakland)) Raiders and Denver Broncos!"

"If the Eagles win this Superbowl, they'll have as many Superbowl victories as Germany has World War losses."

 (When a penalty is called against the Chiefs) "Oh, this game is rigged. The NFL doesn't want the Chiefs to win!"

(When a penalty is called against the opposing team) "Serves those Philly-stines right! An undisciplined, unscrupulous mob! Why don't you all play something more suitable like Rugby, or prisoner's ball, or League of Legends?"

Things to say to really impress football fans at the party

"The Chiefs would dominate this game if they didn't trade All-Star Wide Receiver Tyreek Hill to the Miami Dolphins. But then again, that wasn't an arbitrary decision. The front office makes tough calls like that for a reason."

"4&1? Simply employ the Quarterback Sneak maneuver. Easy victory."

"Hey, is that Tony Romo commenting? Pfft, whatever."

"Despite the league being increasingly pass-oriented, a solid run game is still required in order to open up opportunities for receivers. You aren't going to win if the opposing defense doesn't respect your ground game."

"Did you hear Joe Thomas got into the Hall of Fame? Yeah, it's great! No one respects Offensive Lineman because they've got a thankless position. People only notice them when they mess up. But they're the reason the Quarterbacks don't end up with a concussion every play. Respect the Offensive Lineman, America's real heroes."

"My cousin worked for Nick Sirianni a few years ago. His favorite hobby is chucking old paint cans at pregnant antelopes." 

"If the Chiefs pull this off, I'm letting Andy Reid slather me in Kansas City Barbeque and I'll be his Barbeque Queen for a week!"

"Where's this Superbowl being played at?....Oh, Phoenix, Arizona? I wonder if they choose Phoenix because in 1913, Phoenix adopted a new form of government, changing from a mayor-council system to council-manager, making it one of the first cities in the United States with this form of city government. After statehood, Phoenix's growth started to accelerate, and by the end of its first eight years under statehood, Phoenix' population had grown to 29,053. Two thousand were attending Phoenix Union High School. In 1920 Phoenix built its first skyscraper, the Heard Building. In 1928 Scenic Airways, Inc. saw profitability in flights in the Southwest. Scenic General Manager, J. Parker Van Zandt purchased land for Scenic in Phoenix, and named the new airport Sky Harbor, which was formally dedicated on Labor Day in 1929. Or maybe it's because Phoenix doesn't get too cold in February. Could be either."

"Football? I'm a little too intellectual for that rubbish. I spend most Sunday afternoons returning to Gomorrah (2008), dir. Matteo Garrone, a sprawling epic crime saga about the intersecting lives of impoverished people living in the slums of Naples. Much more realistic than that Godfather tripe. You should really watch it, it's such a moving depiction of realistic life under the dual-thumbs of a violent criminal syndicate and a corrupt government."

"जब आप गेंद में होते हैं तो वे इसे फुटबॉल क्यों कहते हैं?"

"Oh hey look, Rihanna! <Proceed to then sing her entire setlist perfectly, as in sync with the performer>"

"Hey guys, wanna see my Patrick Mahomes impersonation? Yeah, mhmm, check it out:

<With the tone and tenor of Kermit the Frog>

Why are there so many, games about touchdowns
With penalties on the off-side?/
Touchdowns are winnin'
But just fer' a minute

And tackles are mosta' our pride/
So we've been told, and some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong, wait and see

Someday we'll find it, the touchdown connection

The offense, the defense, and me

Who said that every pass

Would be caught and confirmed

When receivers  leap for the bar?/

Someone thought up it

And some coach drew up it

Look what it's done for Lamar/

What's so amazing that needs officiating,

When field goals only count, for 3?

Someday we'll find it, the touchdown connection

The offense, the defense, and me

All of us know that's a flag

We know that it's probably flagrant 

Have you heard the sports news

And have you read the replies?

The discourse is all up in flames/

But ain't there a sweet tune

That calls the young players? 

The vibes are all part of the game/

I've won too many times to ignore it

they're calling me the new MVP!

Someday we'll find it, the touchdown connection

The offense, the defense, and me!

Da-da-da-dee-da-da dum

Da-da-da-da-dee-da-da-doo~"

Happy Superbowl everybody! <3