Non-Football Fans Guide Superbowl 58

Non-Football Fans Guide to Superbowl 58

 So a lot, if not most, of the people attending Superbowl parties this year are not going to be football fans. You've either gone for free food or have been reluctantly dragged along and will take part in this strange American tradition with football playing in on the background. There's nothing wrong with treating it like that, football is a weird game the main purpose of which is to allow men to not think about their emotions. 

But! What if you have to talk to one of your male relatives at the party? What if your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/polycule is into it and you want to seem supportive? What if you have an inkling of curiosity as to what's actually going on in the game?

What if we've been here before?

What if we've already done this.

What if something is wrong.

What if something is terribly wrong

 

Who's playing this year?

This game features the Kansas City Chiefs versus the San Francisco 49ers. Kansas City...well, you already know.

Wait, where the hell are the New England Patriots?

Who cares about the New England Patriots? Tom Brady hasn't been in New England for 5 years. What's going on?

Uh oh.

Yep.

No, "Uh oh" as in I realized we're doing a metafiction thing now. Metafiction is really played out.

Yeah, well critiquing metafiction is played out too, so I dunno what you want to do exactly. And I'm ill and go on weird rants about Sudoku. 

The general vibe I'm getting around this Superbowl is ennui. We've done this exact match-up recently, instead of the many other novel contests we could have gotten. Not to mention all the celebrity discourse, and celebrity discourse-discourse, and the post-discursive theories.

:/

I'll talk about football then, ig.

For the sake of the readers, this picture will be the only reference to the celebrity at the heart of this Superbowl, Pete Seeger 

Kansas City Chiefs

History: The Chiefs won a Superbowl over fifty years ago. Then on my first iteration of this annual post, they won their second Superbowl. One time after they were in the Superbowl but then lost. Then shockingly the next time they didn't get to the Superbowl. But then last year they won the Superbowl. 

Before this season, people did not think they would make it to the Superbowl again. "That would be too many Superbowl appearances!" Mid-way through the season they didn't look like a very impressive team.

Lo and behold. 

Rule of Two

They aren't exactly the same team they've been in the past. Everyone knows who Patrick Mahomes is. They lost Tyreek "The Cheetah" Hill whom moved to Miami....oh wait, that was true last Superbowl too. Uh, Travis Kelce went to the beach that makes you old (and famous!). 

but yeah other than that exactly the same for all intents and purposes go figure

Main Characters

Name: Patrick Mahomes

Position: Quarterback (Iseakai Protagonist)

Build: Minmaxed 3.5e Fighter

Comparison: Like Michael Jordan but better

Weakness: Somehow only the second most famous person on his own team

Name: Andy Reid

Position: Coach (Stepdad)

Build: Gets food stains on the character sheet

Opinion on Nabokov: "A second-rate novelist in all honesty. Prose looks compelling but has no weight, like a mirage."

Signature Style: cheeseburrger 

Name: Travis Kelce

Position: Tight End (hehe >:3)

Build: Paladin no Multi

Fanbase Quirk: none of his fans understand football for some reason

Most Idiosyncratic Belief: Jetplanes are good for the environment 

Supporting Cast

Isiah Pacheco

Position: Running Back (He runs...forward?!)

Build: Honey Badger/Domestic Terrorist

Chris Jones

Position: Defensive End (Scary Tackle Guy)

Build: Chris Jones

Kardarius Toney  

Position: Wide Receiver (Catches Footballs [Not this guy though!])

Build: Yung Joka on all major music streaming platforms

Kadarius Toney (aaaaaaaah!!!!)

San Fransisco 49ers: "The People's Joker"

History: These guys won a lot of Superbowls a long time ago. Then they stopped. In the 21st century they lost both of their SB apperances, to the likes of Beyonce and the very same Peanut Butter Gang they play against this year. Will they avenge themselves? meybe

Jabroni Coalition

Name: Brock Purdy (really)

Position: Quarterback (Regina George of football)

Build: Standard Array

Comparison: Wal-mart yodel boy

Fun Fact: The very last player selected in each year's NFL Draft is deemed "Mr. Irrelevant". That was this guy lol

Name: Christian McCaffery, "CMC" 

Position: Running Back (Diversity Hire)

Build: Monk who is going to leave 4 sessions in

From: da Backwoods

Special Attack: Leaving North Carolina for San Fran

Name: Kyle Shanahan 

Position: Coach (Moses)

Build: Argues about rules online, doesn't play

Secret Shame: Remember that time the Atlanta Falcons really blew in the Superbowl against the New England Patriots? Y'know who was in charge of coordinating their Offense at that time? Lol

Observation: why are the San Fransisco 49ers filled exclusively with white guys you went to high school with 

The Proletariat Populace

Deebo Samuel 

Position: ???? (Football player?)

Build: Hex-Barb-Blood-Oath-'Ficer-Twilight Guy

Nick Bosa

Position: Defensive Edge (MAGA Apologist)

Build: Meat Mauler

George Kittle

Position: Tight End (WWE Hopeful)

Build: "why are the grappling rules so bad"

I forgot to get you a Christmas present so here's an F.D.A. approved picture of Chase Young :)

Name: Thomas Brady

Team: Las Vegas Raiders

Least Favorite type of Strawberry: wait a second

No: No That's Not Right

Please Stop Happening: It's all refracting into each other

......

Oh, That's the Problem: This is why everything keeps repeating.

A doppelganger of my yearly tradition has appeared. A homunculi, draining my life essence without my awareness, like an invisible vampire.

But I've spotted it now.

Found ya, bitch. 

Things to say to Impress Football Fans at the Party

"Mahomes can make the most impossible throws."

"Do you guys think Brock P(urdy) is a Top 10 quarterback?"

"It's going to come down to the Chiefs' Offense versus the 49ers Defense."

"At least there's no Patriots this year, am I right? Fuck those philistines."

"The referees have been really bad this year, are they even paying attention?"

"The Eagles didn't treat Andy Reid well during his tenure!"

"Whose do you guys think is going to have a surprising breakout game?"

"At least it's gonna' be better than last year's, huh?"

(When a penalty is called against your team) "Ah shit! These fucking refs"

(When a penalty is called against the opposing team) "Hooty hoo!"

"...it all gets so tiresome, doesn't it?"

Things to say to Really Impress Football Fans at the Party

"The last player to have Mahomes' talent was...Mahomes?"

"Brock Purdy's ability to read a zone defense was instilled in him when he met me."

"This game is vital for Andy Reid's legacy as well as the impact of his future coaching tree. I'm not exaggerating that we might view Andy Reid on the same level as Bellichick one day. And Bellichick is....he's gone :c"

"Despite the league being increasingly pass-oriented, a solid run game is still required in order to open up opportunities for receivers. You aren't going to win if the opposing defense doesn't respect your ground game."

"Gaba....gaba....gaba something. Heh. Eugh....."

"Travis Kelce is dating Kadarius Toney"

"Kony 2024"

"Y'all mind if I spit something really quick? Ok, ok one sec'."

*sets the Boombox to some funky boom-bap white boy instrumentals*

"Yeah yeah, that's gravy right there. Ok, here we go...just wait for the beat to drop and.....

Two Superbowl teams go playing outside, playing outside

Two Superbowl teams go playing outside, playing outside/

Guess who's back? Back again?

Wretched's back, tell a friend/

Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Eee-yun-eehh

*instrumental*

I've back on my Blogger!

But no one wants to read RPGs no more, really, they want sports drabble

Well if you want sports news this is what I'll rabble/

Some gangsta' wordplay, a game I call HardScrabble/

My best impression of a thespian that's

So blessed, it could possess, the carrion of/

Gygax, incensed that he's a rotting octagarian/

While his game's played by some Gen-Z lesbians!

It's been a whole year, no hesitating

Well I'm back, I'm online, no masturbating/

I know "The News To Print" might get better ratings

But their subscription count keeps fluctuating!

So the NYT wants to be me

They write about CMC and T. Kelce/

They try to believe they are so funny

But it's so damn boring without me/

So come on kids, farm all your clicks,

Fuck that, I write shit and know that it hits/

And it's rotten, the editorials your paper has gotten,

R.I.P. George Floyd, fuck Tom Cotton!/

Now this is still my spot to claim,

So everyone! Stay in your lane/

Trump and Biden might bring you fame

But the Superbowl belongs to WretchedGames/

Now this is still my spot to claim,

So everyone! Stay in your lane/

You might have reporters deep within Ukraine,

But the Superbowl belongs to WretchedGames/

Hecklers! In the online sector

Embarassed, their parents read the "Paper of Record"/

Could start a Tumblr about Hannibal Lector

'Til someone with a blog comes and sends them a link, "Nerds!"/

A shitposter, his roasting is boastful,

His descriptions are witty, his vocab colloqual'/

East Coaster, so let me just post and relax,

And outwrite you with a fever and a rod up my ass/

It's cataclysmic, that I rhyme like Master P,

You couldn't be sick as me if you had dysentery/

Well I'm back [Superbowl Sunday Music],

Reload your browser, then I'm up

And it's my tributary, rawdog vocabulary

The center of attention, every Feburary!/

It's seminary! The Superbowl luminary,

Or you could get your info from the folks with Doonsbury/

"Attention, attention please"

"Print media found dying on its knees"

I won't pay up, for a paywall fee

"But who is gonna' post these jokes for free?"

Now this is still my spot to claim,

So everyone! Stay in your lane/

I can't afford a writing staff full of lames

But the Superbowl belongs to WretchedGames/

Now this is still my spot to claim,

So everyone! Stay in your lane/

You report on the forecast for Madrid, Spain

But the Superbowl belongs to WretchedGames/

A-tisket a-tasket, I will go to bat with

Any paper who cares that much about Cricket matches/

Philip Corbet, I'll shit in your sandwich,

Since you're cool with making life hard for trans kids/

Your write-staff bit my idea pay me,

They haven't writ cool shit since at least the 80's/

He's unemployed so you could hire Tom Brady,

But does your studio have the room for two broke Gray Ladies?/

Now let's go, just gimmie some crunchtime,

And I'll have a pun down at the San-Fran goaline/

I've been fine, I've been writing on cloud nine

Ever since Elon turned himself into a punchline/

But sometimes it just appears,

That Times' fans want to send me jeers/

But I recall I write for queers,

Not dorks as mad as ole' King Lear!/

I'm not the first sports blogger with acerbic voice,

Still a Padawan compared to Jon Bois/

I can write annually on this occasion,

Better than a professional publication!

Hey! There's a worthy tradition,

Worth more than a $5 weekly edition/

No matter how many ads you can show by name,

You're still not as "Superb" as WretchedGames/

Now this is still my spot to claim,

So everyone! Stay in your lane/

Try and get the public to believe Israel's claims,

But the Superbowl belongs to WretchedGames/

Now this is still my spot to claim,

So everyone! Stay in your lane/

"You need to watch the commercial about Crypto gains"

But the Superbowl belongs to WretchedGames/

The Superbowl Dies In the Dark :3